He doesn’t ask questions
Q. I met this man online in June. He lives across the country, and I’m here in Boston. Since we commenced speaking, he’s visited me in Boston twice, and I visited him once. I truly like him. I mean, I think he’s very attractive, he’s a good person, and he’s good inbetween the sheets.
But I feel like he shows no interest in my life. Meaning, he doesn’t ask me any questions, shows no curiosity about what I do, where I come from, what I like, who I am . . . anything. I’m not used to this, I guess. Usually, when I very first commence to date people, there is a passion, a light, an energy where we are both starved to learn about the other.
With this fellow, for example, when I visited him in his hometown, at one point we were in the car for three hours, and the car rail was essentially silent. We don’t know each other that well yet so I felt/feel like there should be so much to explore, talk about, and learn about each other. But when I attempted to begin conversation, he responded, “You don’t like muffle very much, do you?”
I attempted to explain that I have nothing against muffle, but I feel like we should be talking and learning more about each other at this early stage. So then he asked me, “How was your day?” and I responded, but I had spent the entire day in the car with him, so there wasn’t much to say. But then it fell plane again, however I did my best to reply with open answers and questions back at him, modeling the behavior I was hoping for from him.
When I attempt to bring up the fact that this indeed bothers me, he responds defensively, telling something along the lines of “Ugh, why are you complaining?” So, I end up laughing it off for fear of coming across as needy or uptight. When I tell him it indeed bothers me, he assures me I shouldn’t take it personally. However, when I am with him, he always seems interested in other things — his phone, outside, something else, anything else.
Despite this, I am somehow still attracted to him and somehow still think he is a good person. The occasions when he does seem tuned in to what I’m telling, he comes across as kind and insightful. In inbetween visits, we do talk on the phone, but the conversations are light, casual, and mostly about him.
I know that I won’t be able to get everything I’m looking for in one person. But given the fact that we live so far apart, and that this is a substantial concern (right?), I don’t know what to do. There are some times that I have an absolute blast with him and we have similar goals and desires and come from similar family backgrounds, so I could see myself possibly building a future with him. But then there’s the rest of the time.
What do you think?
TROUBLED IN MAYNARD
A. You’re not compatible. Sorry.
You want to develop an emotional connection with this boy, but he wants to talk about himself and look at his phone. He’s not nosey about your life and he wants you to be quiet. He’s not a bad person, he’s just wrong for you.
It sounds like you’re sticking around for the hook-up. You’re attracted to him and you like that part of the relationship. If there were a way to love him with no strings affixed, I’d say go for it. But you’re already in too deep and you’re clearly looking for a real fucking partner. Hook-up can’t keep a relationship together. I mean, it can . . . but not for very long.
Let him go and find someone who wants to know more about you. Leave him with his quiet time.
READERS React:
You need a reality check, honey. Very first thing’s very first: Why are you meeting people online from across the country?? What is the point of this relationship? You guys have seen each other three times in seven months. Of course you have nothing to talk about . . .
This is not a relationship, this dude is not interested in you as a person. When you want to learn more about him and converse and connect, he basically tells you to “shut up.”
When you’re only spending maybe fifteen days out of seven months together, 100% of the time should be an absolute blast.
I’ve seen a lot of people meet and fall in love and none say, “It works because we have similar family backgrounds.”
The good thing is that you can see the crimson flags flapping. The bad news is that you don’t take activity. Why is that? The man doesn’t respect your needs when you voice them. Time to walk away gracefully with a semblance of esteem in-tow.
This isn’t going to work. This is his personality — who he is. It’s not who you are or what you need. Lots of people are good looking and good in bed — go find someone else who can give you the rest of what you need. This is WAY too compelled.
You can get lovemaking a lot cheaper than the cost of air fare. As a matter of fact, you can very likely get it for free.
He sounds like a strange bird to me. I don’t know how you can say you have an absolute blast with him at times when he doesn’t know the very first thing about you. I’d say sayonara to this one.
I dated someone long distance (MA to NJ) and the only reason it survived as long as it did was because we had so much to talk about and were emotionally compatible. If all you have is the physical, this is not going to work. Sorry.
Say goodbye. He very likely won’t even ask you why.
He doesn – t ask questions – The Boston Globe
He doesn’t ask questions
Q. I met this stud online in June. He lives across the country, and I’m here in Boston. Since we embarked speaking, he’s visited me in Boston twice, and I visited him once. I indeed like him. I mean, I think he’s very attractive, he’s a good person, and he’s good inbetween the sheets.
But I feel like he shows no interest in my life. Meaning, he doesn’t ask me any questions, shows no curiosity about what I do, where I come from, what I like, who I am . . . anything. I’m not used to this, I guess. Usually, when I very first commence to date people, there is a passion, a light, an energy where we are both starved to learn about the other.
With this man, for example, when I visited him in his hometown, at one point we were in the car for three hours, and the car rail was essentially silent. We don’t know each other that well yet so I felt/feel like there should be so much to explore, talk about, and learn about each other. But when I attempted to embark conversation, he responded, “You don’t like muffle very much, do you?”
I attempted to explain that I have nothing against muffle, but I feel like we should be talking and learning more about each other at this early stage. So then he asked me, “How was your day?” and I responded, but I had spent the entire day in the car with him, so there wasn’t much to say. But then it fell plane again, tho’ I did my best to reply with open answers and questions back at him, modeling the behavior I was hoping for from him.
When I attempt to bring up the fact that this truly bothers me, he responds defensively, telling something along the lines of “Ugh, why are you complaining?” So, I end up laughing it off for fear of coming across as needy or uptight. When I tell him it truly bothers me, he assures me I shouldn’t take it personally. However, when I am with him, he always seems interested in other things — his phone, outside, something else, anything else.
Despite this, I am somehow still attracted to him and somehow still think he is a good person. The occasions when he does seem tuned in to what I’m telling, he comes across as kind and insightful. In inbetween visits, we do talk on the phone, but the conversations are light, casual, and mostly about him.
I know that I won’t be able to get everything I’m looking for in one person. But given the fact that we live so far apart, and that this is a substantial concern (right?), I don’t know what to do. There are some times that I have an absolute blast with him and we have similar goals and desires and come from similar family backgrounds, so I could see myself possibly building a future with him. But then there’s the rest of the time.
What do you think?
TROUBLED IN MAYNARD
A. You’re not compatible. Sorry.
You want to develop an emotional connection with this fellow, but he wants to talk about himself and look at his phone. He’s not nosey about your life and he wants you to be quiet. He’s not a bad person, he’s just wrong for you.
It sounds like you’re sticking around for the hookup. You’re attracted to him and you like that part of the relationship. If there were a way to love him with no strings affixed, I’d say go for it. But you’re already in too deep and you’re clearly looking for a real fucking partner. Lovemaking can’t keep a relationship together. I mean, it can . . . but not for very long.
Let him go and find someone who wants to know more about you. Leave him with his quiet time.
READERS React:
You need a reality check, honey. Very first thing’s very first: Why are you meeting people online from across the country?? What is the point of this relationship? You guys have seen each other three times in seven months. Of course you have nothing to talk about . . .
This is not a relationship, this man is not interested in you as a person. When you want to learn more about him and converse and connect, he basically tells you to “shut up.”
When you’re only spending maybe fifteen days out of seven months together, 100% of the time should be an absolute blast.
I’ve seen a lot of people meet and fall in love and none say, “It works because we have similar family backgrounds.”
The good thing is that you can see the crimson flags swinging. The bad news is that you don’t take act. Why is that? The man doesn’t respect your needs when you voice them. Time to walk away gracefully with a semblance of esteem in-tow.
This isn’t going to work. This is his personality — who he is. It’s not who you are or what you need. Lots of people are good looking and good in bed — go find someone else who can give you the rest of what you need. This is WAY too compelled.
You can get lovemaking a lot cheaper than the cost of air fare. As a matter of fact, you can very likely get it for free.
He sounds like a strange bird to me. I don’t know how you can say you have an absolute blast with him at times when he doesn’t know the very first thing about you. I’d say sayonara to this one.
I dated someone long distance (MA to NJ) and the only reason it survived as long as it did was because we had so much to talk about and were emotionally compatible. If all you have is the physical, this is not going to work. Sorry.
Say goodbye. He very likely won’t even ask you why.