Why Dudes Pull Away And How To Pull Them Back
So you're dating a boy.
On paper things seem to be going fine. Everything is superb. You're meeting, you're talking, you're suspending, you're liking his company. The attraction is building inwards you.
You're kicking off to like him. Alright, maybe you're getting a little jumpy. Maybe you have one or two crank out moments.
Maybe you tell him something one afternoon when you're dangling out. You feel close to him and you feel attracted to him and you'd like to smooch him and then all of a unexpected you look at him and say I don't know what I want right now.
It comes out of left field and the fellow just sits there and wiggles his head like a bobble head doll because he doesn't know what the fuck to say. He's seen women like you crank out over and over again, so he just deals with it.
The next day you're calling him and texting him and you want to see him again and he's like — fine, she just had a moment.
What do you when he has his moments? His moments are more subliminal. Your moments are these occasional pervert outs.
You'll sleep with him and you'll have that pervert out moment because you liked it so much but you're not fairly sure if he felt the same way. So you look at him and say maybe we slept together too early. And he has to say – don’t worry about it, we didn’t.
It's absolutely amazing and beautiful and it makes you feel good. So then you bring out the vixen and you're having superb lovemaking with the fellow and you're commencing to breathe into the relationship.
You're okay now. The weirdo outs aren't happening. You're actually liking this man.
Then something happens one day. He doesn't text you all day long and you think… hmm, this is out of character
You don't hear from him. Now it's 8.00pm and the neurotic you comes kicking right back and you're like I haven't heard from him all day long.
So you call your friend and you say listen, I have no idea what's going on. I know he said he had a meeting today, but usually he calls me after a meeting or texts me. I knew I shouldn't have slept with him. And then you embark going through this entire thing.
What happened is that he had his weirdo out moment. He's not going to sit there in a car or sit there at a rest stop with you and say, well gee, I don't know if I can truly date you right now.
Here's what's going through his brain.
It's called the process of elimination.
Usually boys meet women when they're on a high. The reason you met him and you find him so dynamic is because he's very likely got his testosterone levels up and his hormones are kicking in.
He's super sexy right now and he’s connecting with lots of women. They all desire him and you just smell it. It's primal and unreal and he connects with you and he's on a roll.
Boys call it a streak. They've met so many women and each woman just gets better and better and better until all of a unexpected he meets one that just blows him away.
But it becomes this process. He realizes that the streak is going to have to end. He's going to have to retire from the allurement streak he's been on. He's going to have to retire from all these women he's been courting.
Even if he hasn't been sleeping with all of them, he's still got to abandon. He thinks to himself, is this the best I can do?
That's how boys think. They think I've been on this streak, there's got to be somebody else who's going to wow me.
So he gives in. He knows you're the best but the process of elimination is freaking him the fuck out, and he can't tell you because he'll look like a total asshole.
He can't say… you know, I was having this truly big hot streak when I met you. I was meeting lots of women and I had like ten phone numbers and I was texting all these women and then you came along.
He can't say, I met you during one of the greatest streaks I've ever had. You know, he feels like Tom Brady on the field, like he's going for another Super Cup. Then you came along. He was about to go score Tom Brady's wifey.
That's what he feels like. He's into you, trust me. He does like you. He certainly likes you. There's no bullshit. The hookup was indeed fantastic. It kind of blew him away. The connection you're having is indeed deep throating him away. He's got feelings for you. They're real.
But he's about to crank the fuck out.
He’s not like you. You just say a sentence, you share your weirdo out in the moment, and he looks at you and doesn't say a word. His pervert out is a little more painful for you. Yours are just words that you emote, and then you tranquil yourself down. By the time you get home, or maybe the next morning, you’re fine.
He gets triggered by a friend. His friend will say, you know, you're on a hot streak.
He'll think to himself, man, you're right, this is the thickest hot streak I've ever had in my entire life. She’s pretty amazing but I am on a streak. Am I sure I want to abandon right now?
Is she truly as amazing as I think? I mean, Jesus, she is pretty hot. You know, we had superb hook-up, and we indeed connected, and she's like an amazing friend, and I could truly see having a relationship with her.
Then this is what he does.
He just pulls the fuck back.
He goes into that cave and shuts the door. He will be home one day. He won't text you. He'll just stare at the walls all day long. You think he's busy, but he's not busy.
He's just freaking the fuck out.
He is in his house, pacing, telling, oh my God, what am I doing? I'm actually falling for this lady. I can't believe I'm falling for this dame. What am I going to do? I'm losing my mind.
You're texts come in. He sees them and thinks to himself, I can't react to that right now. I can't give into that. I don't know what to do, and I can't explain to her why I'm pulling back, because I don't truly want to pull back. I'm indeed loving being vulnerable with her. And if I explain it to her, I'm going to look like an asshole.
So the next time you're dating a stud, and he goes into a cave, permit him to go into the cave. Forty-eight hours is usually what it takes.
If he vanishes for longer than forty eight hours, he's an asshole.
If he's seventy two hours in the cave he's a prick. But permit him to be in the cave.
All you need to do is send him one little text that will bring him back out of the cave.
Make sure there's nothing erotic in the text, and nothing needy. Even tho’ you might be freaking out and you might think this fine fresh relationship is about to end, it indeed isn't going to end.
You need to send him this one ordinary text. This text will bring him out of the cave:
Just thinking about you. Hope everything is excellent for you today.
Oh, she's thinking about me. It triggers his brain. Hope everything's superb for me today. I'm a neurotic fucking mess in my cave right now, but that's okay, I can deal with it. She's thinking about me.
That's all you need to do. And just wait. Let him text you back. He'll call you. He'll come out of that cave. This may be the very first time he goes into the cave but it won’t be the only time.
He will do it on many occasions moving forward in the relationship.
This is the very first of many trips into the cave, and all you need to say is I understand.
Telling I’m thinking about you means you understand. Thinking about him drives him nuts, because every single time you've thought about him it's lead to that hot, sultry hook-up you have had, and that hot sultry connection you have had.
Telling him you’re thinking about him triggers that caveman inwards him. It makes him want to come out of the cave and reclaim you.
That's all it is.
Love the fellows's side of neurosis.
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Wow I used to date guys like this. When I was reading a lot I honestly thought that Patti was going to say that he was taking time to think he needed space, he was not sure if he was ready to give up his singledom I was indeed on board with everything she was telling until the part where he was hooking up and sleeping with numerous women in addition to you, and just did not want to tell you that, and then I was like okay no. I agree that women once they sleep with a man get insecure and afraid and then begin to pervert out over dumb stuff thinking the man is not texting them or acting oddly, when normally he's truly just sitting at home or busy. So we should not act all crazy. But I disagree that all dudes are acting like this. I think we women need to give studs a bit more credit than this. I did used to think all boys were like this until I guys one that was not. They are not.
Women- don't sleep with him until he is in a committed relationship with you. Any sooner and he realizes, “wow, I had this without commitment, maybe there are others out there just the same.” Make him work for it and realize that sleeping with you is about valuing you, your bod, your feelings and your future with him.
Mature fellows don't hide in caves for hours, they communicate their feelings and then you understand why they need time to sort things out. And, you lovingly give them time with their thoughts if it is reasonable. And studs truly in love don't need days to figure it out apart from you and overlook your texts.
And women don't need to be pursuing a man ever. If he doesn't initiate talking back and forward and vanishes when you ask him a question and there is no reasonable explanation (like work meetings, etc.) stir on. He's not worth it. The more distance he creates, the more likely he is looking at other options. You need a man who sees you as the ONLY option forever.
If he is fighting with whether he loves you or not, he already knows the response. And so do you.
What if he stays in his cave for five days? He embarked slowing his texts the week prior. He scheduled back to back dates and then wished to cancel the last date (which I was cool about). That's when he began withdrawing. I didn't hear from him in two days and sent the “just thinking about you…”. He responded instantly and said he missed me. He pulled away again and after a few days he sent me a text very first thing in the morning and I told him I liked getting good mornings from him. He said that he was glad I liked them and it made him glad. Now it's been five days and no word and I haven't reached out. Do they come back or have I been ghosted.
You're on a roster, and you've been ghosted. If you hadn't hit him up he'd be gone with the wind. He's responding to you because you sound dejected, so he's doing just enough to be “nice” and keep you in case of an emergency -since he's still single.
My situation is a bit different. I'm not looking for a relationship and I don't think he is. But, it all began off as a one night stand. I didn't think I was going to hear from him but he texted me the next day and we had puny talk. He then texted me every day after that and even dreamed to take me out to dinner two days after hooking up. I declined but said we could see each other the next week. We did and things went superb. He's fourteen years junior than me and I'm an older lady that is emotionally secure and I've been fair of what I want from him and it shows up we were on the same page. Since our 2nd night out together, he has asked me to see him every day after that. I even sleep at his house which I won't be doing for now on. I attempt not to see him every day because I don't want this “situation” to get out of mitt but believe me, hookup with him is mind deep-throating and he said he feels the same. We are both very attracted to each other and have joy when we go out together. We also do a lot of conversations at his place too, it's just not all about hook-up. Yup, as you can see, boundaries are getting pretty blurry but still, I assume we are on the same page with FWB status. Just two days ago, he held me and told me he truly likes me. He's very affectionate as well while we are together. He's only in his twenties so I just figured the reason why he's touchy and affectionate is due to his hormones. Last night, we both said we missed each other. He said he has a good time with me and loves being with me. I responded with that I have joy with him and think its cool that we have a very casual no stress thing going on. We had plans to see each other later tonight but I have a feeling he's pulling away. He doesn't text as much and I'm now the one that seems to initiate the texts for the past two days. I assured him in my text that I wasn't planning on sleeping over this time because of (add excuse xyz). Like I said, I want to keep things casual but I do have so much joy with him that I don't mind witnessing him a few times a week. He hasn't responded and it's been eight hours. I'm guessing he's in his “cave” or found someone fresh. Idk, but he kept on telling how much he has a joy time with me and I honestly do too but why not just keep doing what we were doing? He knows I don't want a commitment with him as I'm older and direct with my emotions. Maybe he's not comfy with my age? He said earlier it wasn't a big deal. I would hate to miss out on a good FWB situation because it's been fine for me!
Please help Fresh reaction this question, My beau and I are presently in a long distance relationship. (He was studying but now he is done).We have been dating for four years now. We obviously have our arguments here and there and most times I tell myself I should be the fatter person, and accept to take blame and apologise. I'm not ideal, there are so many things I most likely do wrong that irritate him, but sometimes I feel like I get blamed a lot, yet it's truly not my fault.
So swift forward to last week, it was graduation week and I was very excited and proud of him. I hadnt spoken to him the entire day, so i indeed dreamed to ask questions about how touring with his family went (his family visited and they toured, so we didn't have a lot of time to talk). He only gave me two minutes and I was asking about how the day went, he said “aarghh you ask very unnecessary questions”. I don't know if I was emotional but I coiled and just said bye. The following day, he called in the morning, I brushed off how he made me feel and answered in a good mood. He did shout at me again telling “arrgghh”…i was so confused and pissed, so I sent him a message and let him know that his deeds of acting like I irritated him hurt my feelings. He replied by telling me that maybe I need space. (But that's not what I said��). So again, I got over it (I lightly get over my anger btw) and talked to him minimally obviously as he was occupied with his family.
On Monday, (his family had left) he asked if he could see my figure, I declined, because I truly wasnt in the mood.. .and then he said that he dreamed to tell me something that he had realised. He said, “I feel like you get jealous when Im draping with my friends and family because I'm not providing you attention. This truly scares me for our future”��
Bruh? How? How did the weekend's shenanigans become my fault? I asked….i read in the book that i had to set boundaries, lest i become depressed…so i told him my feelings and how i was hurt and how he knows i dont like being shouted at…i went further and said how I was tired of pretending and being a punching bag…and how he has to commence acknowledging responsibility for his fault in arguments. After I was done he still said that he thinks his position OF me being jealous was true.. .was he honestly listening to me? Anyways so we said our good nights. In the morning I texted him good morning and he didnt reply the entire day. So I texted him this message today.
“Hey Tom, hope you are doing okay. I'm just texting to clarify that the conversation we had on Monday was not me rejecting you, or telling you that you are worthless; i was merely relaying my feelings. I realised that I was not compassionate and constructive in my criticism as I thought I was, and for that I deeply apologise. I am glad with you. I totally understand that you need some time alone to think and re-evaluate. Take all the time you need, and be assured, that I will always be here, loyal and in love with you.
Have a lovely day.”
He witnessed it, and blueticked me. He is disregarding me. I know I wasn't in the wrong. Is this a cave situation? My plan is not to text again but will he come back? Has the rubber band snapped?