Battling the boredom during long-term, long-distance relationships
I have something to confess: every relationship I have ever been in has been a long-distance one at some point in time. Most recently I have been in a four-year-long relationship with a lovely man, who asked me out over the phone as he was going through security at the airport to leave the country for four months! After he returned I still had two years of college, eight hours away, to finish up. So, while I am by no means an pro, I can say that I have some practice with the long distance practice.
Now, let me just say, long-term, long-distance Deep-throats but here are my tips so that you don't get bored with the standard text/call/Skype routine…
Invest in an Xbox and a Netflix subscription
This was actually my bf's idea. I came home one night to find an Xbox headset bounty packaged on my doorstep. It turns out if you cork in said headset (the one with the little mic) you can listen and talk to each other while you binge-watch Orange is the Fresh Black on Netflix together! You just have to set up an Xbox live party, and voilà, movie night where you can observe and talk to each other at the same time, without having to run up your cellphone bill!
Put your Skype to good use!
Ok here's the thing, I get bored with Skype indeed lightly, but it's nice to see your paramour's face now and again so what's a damsel or boy to do?
All the joy of sexy Skype time with none of the awkward pauses attempting to figure out who should initiate. Also if you are very self-conscious about phone hook-up or dirty talk, this is for you! We used a free game program online in a smaller window on the screen and it was a BLAST!
Battleship, or unclothe battleship
We bought the Battleship Game, and we each took one side home. This was one of our dearest games, since he could take it with him when he traveled to other countries.
My hubby and I have been married for two years now and with him being active duty, he is gone for months at a time. Read more
Anyone who knows us knows we love us some Legos, but most people don't know that we embarked building them together over Skype. Honestly, this one just gave us something to do with our forearms while we talked, and it was always joy to pick out fresh sets when we spotted each other, then build them later on.
Kindles/books
For a good amount of time my bf is working on government projects that he can't talk about. So our conversations go: "How was your day?" "Good." THE END. Come in our Kindles! We would determine on what books we desired to read and then each read a chapter or more a week. This not only gave us bookworms something to read and do during the day, but when we did talk on the phone we had something in common to discuss. We would usually take turns choosing which books to read so that no one got bored.
Scavenger Hunt
This one is my dearest. We chose a list of things we both had to find or do, and then take pictures with our phones, and send them to each other. The person who got the least on the list, or finished last, had to pay for our next in-person date night! Neither one of us are big texters or phone people, so this gave us a fine way to check in across the day and also make each other laugh.
Some of our favorites were: a picture of an authority figure in a wig, recreate your dearest movie scene using breakfast foods, and take a picture of you and the person with the most shocking garment at the bar.
Long distance isn't ever effortless, but sometimes you can make it joy! Talk with your fucking partner about what you love doing together when you are in person and then go from there!
What are your tips for not getting bored with long distance relationship communications?
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AmeliaJane
AmeliaJane is a museum interpreter and event planner in Baltimore. She likes cooking, dressing up in historic clothing, and collecting Legos with her bf. She also spends an unhealthy amount of time with her guinea pig and kitten.
Aw, this is a sweet list! I was in a LTR LDR for four years (2004-2008) with my now-husband when he was in the Army and I was in college. It was sort of before the era of Skype (we had it but it was crap, plus he didn't have consistent Internet access in Iraq) so we did it all by telephone.
One thing that I found helped a lot was switching up the medium. Specifically I'd write him truly long letters, mostly about nothing, and mail them all together when I had a bunch saved up. When I was in Russia and he was in Iraq, and I couldn't send him things, I kept a notebook with letters and gave it to them at the end. I think it brightened his day a little to get actual real mail from me and now that we're eventually together it provides a nice (if a little embarrassing) history of our time apart. I also did goofy little crafts–like once I bought a plastic canister at Walmart and packed it with three hundred sixty five slips of paper, each with a memory, inwards joke, or quote I liked so he had one to read a day for the year he was gone. He indeed loved it and usually ended up reading more than one a day. I think if you were actually talking every day you could share them and it'd be even more derpy and romantic and awesome.
I would like to add MMORPGs (Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Games) to this list �� There's nothing better. I actually don't like MMOs as much anymore now that we're together IRL. But when he was in the military, it was awesome to just get lost in an MMO together (while talking on Skype). It made it feel more like we were together, even tho’ he was one thousand miles away. There's lots of superb free ones out there (Guild Wars Two, League of Legends, Diablo III), but World of Warcraft was the best one. Dang $15 a month fee.
Also, if you can't afford an xbox, there's always the option to stream Netflix together online while on Skype! Also, you can use the same account if you're watching the same thing. We always just collective an account because we'd only see it together.
I met my hubby over WoW, and our very first 10-12 months was a long distance relationship (1000 miles away from each other) – WoW and teamspeak/ventrilo together was how we spent our time together! Playing a game with someone is good joy – and a good way to work together even tho’ you're far apart, which gives you ideas about conflict resolution and your interaction styles.
I'm still a little sad that City of Heroes (et al) shut down since my spouse and I spent so much of our early dating time playing. We moved away to other games, tho’, and hadn't gravely played it in ages when they did shut down, so truly we were part of the problem.
I've had two long-distance relationships (one NZ-Australia, one NZ-America!) with guys I've met on WoW, and it's fantastic for maintaining your relationship (just gargles those guys turned out to be sucky at the entire in-person relationship thing in the end….). Ventrilo was a good way to keep talking for free and certainly made you feel much closer. Raiding together was awesomesauce ��
OGN games the old fashioned text based games was how i met my hubby but I was very cautious and we had three years long distance friendship then a year on dating while 4500kms away.
Yes yes yes! Just looking at the photo I'd hoped that there would be advice for games. My current fiance and I attempted lots of the above when we did long distance. Back when we very first commenced dating, we'd play casual games on Yahoo Games- like pool and dominoes. Playing other online games together can be awesome too.
To add to the Games and Reading together- we did or own RPGs over skype- they can be a little sexy, too! Our dwarves had a little sexy time on their adventures.
I indeed love the scavenger hunt idea! I'm going to attempt that next time one of us has to travel.
Yes! Yahoo games helped SO much when my then-fiance (now spouse) and I were a duo thousand miles apart for a while. It's funny how doing something stupid like online battleship or dominoes can help. You run out of things to say so quickly but you so want to spend time with the person.
I used to send him little care packages, too, with stupid things like cheap fucktoys or baked goods and cheesy notes. Ditzy Bands were a big deal then, and I bought a few and jokingly insisted he wear them. He actually did, so then I felt obligated to do so as well…and it was cheesy, but it was nice to have that little connection and reminder via the day.
We were also wedding planning via the long-distance part, and while I'm sure that's not everyone's situation, I will say that it helped to have some sort of big project to collaborate on and discuss at length (plus divert each of us). I would certainly encourage undertaking some kind of project that you can both work on/look at/give ideas for/research…a vacation you'll take, remodeling something, something collaborative that will make you money (writing future-bestseller erotic fiction together?), things like that.
May I add: Skype dinners. Eating is a massive social thing for me, I hate the awkwardness of eating alone and will fall into an unhealthy diet of pudding, sandwiches and Chinese takeout if a movie and my cactus are my only company. Both of us love cooking and having dinner together while talking about our days and everything. So we've made a point of having dinner together with a real homecooked meal, sitting down at a table and using decent plates and cutlery like grown-ups do, albeit via Skype with Three,000km inbetween us. We'll even agree on what to cook beforehand and both have spaghetti with the same kind of sauce and argue about whose cooking is hypothetically better, because we're weird like that. I love our Skype dinners, because it gives our everyday lives a sense of normality and quality time "together-ness".
Stupid mobile phone app minigames. We're both not into "real gaming", but we love stuff like Scrabble and Draw Something. It's a nice little pastime and you can send little messages with every turn you take.
Yes! We have had lots of Skype dinners. Or Skype dinner and movie dates where we would go see the same movie in the theater (alone or with a group) and then come back and make dinner together over Skype and talk about what parts of the movie we liked/disliked etc.
Dual yes! My playmate and I used to do movies all the time. Long-distance or not is practically the same practice since you're going to be focused on the big screen whether you're right next to your date or a hundred miles away… well, minus a little hand-holding.
Yes! We often had "lazy Sunday morning" Skype brunches, followed by us streaming a movie at the same time and messaging comments to one another (tho’ the Xbox live idea is genius!).
I LOVE Skype dinners!
When I dated long-distance for the very first time ages ago, it was before Facetime/Skype/etc. existed. You couldn't see the other person and eating together was weird because it was mostly muffle and mutual chewing. When movie sharing very first became available, I loved to eat while talking! It was a wonderful switch, and it permitted us to have longer conversations since we often chatted when it was breakfast time for one person and dinnertime for the other.
We totally do this! Haven't for a while, should reinstate it. We choose a recipe in advance so we're eating the same thing.
Just to add a layer of complication we had a twelve hour time distance (now six hours). So we interchanged – one week we'd have 'dinner' and the next 'breakfast'. Days when I had spaghetti for breakfast were a bit odd, but days with pancakes for dinner were awesome.
My ex and I used to "go for a walk" when we were long distance. One of us would walk and take pictures as we went, every two or three minutes, and send them via iMessage so that we could walk "together".
I LOVE this idea! Especially if one of you is in a fresh city!
Also, snapchat. Albeit it's effortless to get lost sending pictures and not actually talking, so make sure u do still talk! But it's indeed good for sharing some random things I eyed today, that maybe wouldn't make it in to an actual conversation.
Well, my playmate and I have not had to do the long distance thing since 2010, and even then I had a terrible internet connection (and no smartphone) so a lot of these superb suggestions weren't an option. Prior to that, we were long distance (with several extended visits) around 2007-2008. We observed the same shows and talked about them afterwards, but we certainly didn't have the capability to see shows together in real time like you describe. We are old fashioned (relatively!) and stick to email and phone while apart. It has always worked fairly well for us . . .
BUT I have a confession to make. I get crushes (sometimes truly big ones) on other guys when I'm away from my playmate for an extended time. This became almost a real problem during the 07-08 long distance era. I would never say that I felt "bored" talking to my playmate – we always had so much to talk about, and I never got tired hearing about what he was up to on the other side of the country. I always wished to talk to him. But along with that, my desire to have real contact with another person, or my hormones, or whatever, always drove me to want extra attention from someone more instant. I wonder if some of the suggestions described would have helped, or maybe it's just something deeper or more fundamental – the animal version of myself seeking out the next available playmate who interests me.
We would also surprise each other with random cards, gifts, and other snail mail goodies. Something about just having a physical card is good.
We'd also do set things while we Skyped, like check certain websites together (Zooborns, I apologize now if you haven't seen it), talk about a book we were both reading, or just play Wikipedia scavenger hunt (wherein you have to both take a random wiki page and attempt to get to each other's in the fewest amount of link clicks).
I totally 2nd the snail mail and gifts!
In my relationship, I was the one leaving our hometown and "going long distance" to a different country to live and work in a truly good city. I would hunt for neat postcards of all of the major glances and some artsy ones and send one home once a week or so. When he came visiting after some time he was all "ohhh I indeed liked that castle, can we go there?" and "hey, I reminisce this place from the postcard you sent me!", which was awesome. And, in retrospect, I just love having all the postcards assembled to a little journal / tour guide thing, which is somehow like a travel blog, but so much more private and tangible.
And having him send me my favourite kind of chocolate from back home saved my sanity. ��
Sending chocolate or other goodies to each other via snail-mail (or even just bimbo or romantic or heartfelt cards) is a fabulous idea. ��
Yes, it is. But attention: if your long-distance relationship is international you should double-check customs regulations. Mailing – that is, "importing and exporting" – foodstuffs is prohibited in some cases and you don't want to get into trouble.
Notice! Anything 13oz or less can be sent without any packaging other than a shipping label. The happiness that my beau got from receiving a giant bath of cheese nut sack (I checked before sending) with messages written all over was AWESOME in fact his friends asked if I would send them some too!
I'm in the middle of a thirteen month long distance stint with my spouse. The Xbox is amazing. He bought me one for my bday and I thought, there is no way I'm going to use this. We have played games together a duo times. Its so much better than the phone because there aren't indeed awkward muffles and it gives you something to talk about when you had a boring day at work….I'm excited to attempt the Netflix with it!
My (now hubby) and I did this when we very first commenced dating – and I think the bottom line is that long distance relationships DO WORK – but only with BOTH people want them to work. We were together for six months, then had distance for a year, then together for three months, then distance for three months before we ultimately moved in together.
All these little tips and tricks and ways you find to shorten the distance help a lot! I think xbox gaming/movie watching is an especially good idea. But the main thing is:
IT Indeed DOES WORK IF BOTH PEOPLE WANT IT TO.
My spouse and I have been together for almost nine years but only lived together full-time for about three years (and that was several years ago.) In the beginning it was different countries and now only different states. Anyway, GTalk (Google's voice and movie talk program) enabled us to stay connected when services like skype and vonage were blocked. Sharing a kindle library to discuss what we were reading and breakfast dates worked out indeed well for us, too. We also agreed on a foreign language to learn together online so that we could discuss fresh things and practice with each other. The fresh language gave us a project and a aim we could work together on and packed those empty conversation spaces that happen after the 85th day straight that year where we raced to ask "How was your day?" very first. And this most likely sounds lame and unromantic but… I began keeping a little notepad and pencil in my car to write down funny or strange or interesting things that happened during the day. When I was home for the evening I set it next to my phone for reminders when we talk before bed. I realized I was so tired at the end of most evenings that I had forgotten most of the duller points of my day. Our conversations were shorter and we were both unfulfilled by them. Those puny and inconsequential things turned out to be truly significant in making the other person feel like they were part of your day every day. Long distance is hard but not unlikely; sometimes it just requires a bit of homework.
I love the idea of the notepad to write down little tidbits about your day – often, by the time I get home, I'm mentally weary and collapse on the couch, so sometimes my spouse and I (face to face) don't have much to say. This sounds like a fantastic idea to (a) be mindful about the little rays of sunshine (or weird rainbows of weirdness) in my daily life, and (b) be able to share those little things with the person I love. Also, super awesome that you two determined to learn a language together – that's flippin fantastic! A good way to connect and keep your minds engaged.
I write down little tidbits to share, too! I've been doing long-distance for just about three years now, and often leave behind little things to share, so I just write them down and then I can reminisce them!
Also, I think something that has helped me is remembering that not every conversation has to be an amazing four hour long commitment. Sometimes we're busy. Sometimes we're in different time zones that don't sync up well and I want to sleep by the time he gets home. So sometimes we only talk for fifteen minutes, or check in with each other via a duo quick texts. But those shorter conversations also mean we usually have more to talk about the next day, so it all works out.
I am not presently in a long distance relationship, but I do the notepad thing too because my hubby and I are on fully different schedules (we average 1-2 half-days together a week). So when we do get time to talk, I don't want to leave out the funny private things about my day. If I don't do this, our conversations can lightly become, "Hey, I put a explosion of laundry in the dryer so please bring it up & put it away, also we need eggs, and our kid said a fresh word today, have you heard him say [word] before?" Relationships suck when they're comprised from a highlight reel of your chores. Having toddler updates kind of saves things, but after awhile you realize you share that same level of closeness with your child care provider and dude, that's lame. Notepads may have saved things for me.
After using a notepad for that purpose, I determined to use a (slightly nicer, book-style) notepad to write down my beloved family moments for a year. I haven't told my hubby what I'm doing yet, so I'm planning on it being a fresh year's eve surprise… so we can go through it and recap the highlights of the bits of time we did get to spend together. I'm excited about this mini project. I don't write in it everyday, but I do include the little surprises we leave for each other, and make an entry each time we do get time for a date (so far, twice this year… we attempt for once a month but don't always hit that purpose). Of course, anytime we carve out family time gets added into the book. I keep the entries brief and sweet, a few sentences each. Just a summary, a funny detail, and what it meant to me. I hope when my spouse reads it, he sees what a big part of my life he still is, even tho’ we don't get to spend much real time together right now.
Back when my hubby and were still dating and doing the long distance thing – before we could afford cell phone and internet charges (way more expensive back then!), I used to keep a daily journal and just write in it whenever I thought about him or a quote that he would like or a memory that I had, and when we were together, I would bring it along and let him read it until we had to be apart from each other again – so he could physically see how often I thought about him and how much he truly was a part of my life even if we werent always together
A unclothe version of this game over Skype was a go-to when I was super long distance with my former fucking partner.